Your Smokin’ Hot Wife
I’ve been noticing a trend that is on the upswing. Men who refer to their spouse online as “my smokin’ hot wife”. This is particularly popular in the Christian twitter community.
They have good intentions. They want their spouse to know that they are excited about an upcoming date night; or that they still find them attractive after years of marriage; or let’s be honest – it’s a way to flirt publicly. It’s also sometimes meant as a humorous reference to the infamous prayer by Ricky Bobby in Talladega Nights, who thanks the “Baby Jesus” for his “red-hot smokin’ wife”. I get it. It seems like harmless fun. I understand these things. I’ve been married for nearly 12 years and I can appreciate these gestures. But there’s a problem:
Your mention of your smokin’ hot wife causes me to stumble.
As a person who is in recovery for sex addiction (specifically, pornography), your statement makes me think things I shouldn’t think. Like:
- Is she really hot or is he just doing the obligatory husband thing?
- If she is hot – HOW hot is she? I wonder what she looks like?
- I wonder if there’s a picture of her?
See, your well intentioned tweet sends me into the world of the objectification of women.
Is it all your fault? Certainly not. I bear the responsibility of my thought life. I am responsibile for my own actions and daily make choices to feed the addiction or not. Recovery is a moment-by-moment choice.
But can you help me out a little, bro?
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Jermination 
September 6, 2010 at 2:16 pm
Good thought, Jerm.
I agree that I think the intentions are good, for the most part, but I wonder what these guys who post this type if thing would find if they took an honest look at their true motivation. If your idea is to compliment your wife, you could easily do that just as well, if not more effectively, through an email or phone call. Is there a part of them that is falling into the trap of the “lifeboat game”, where they’re trying to prove their worth and value in the eyes of others by pointing out that they snagged an attractive mate?
Having said that, I’m sure it’s been a temptation for me to point out such things in public before, if not specifically with a “smokin’ hot wife” Tweet. Just hoping we can all rest in the love and grace of our Savior and not have to feel the need to prove ourselves anymore.
September 6, 2010 at 7:58 pm
Thanks for the comments and encouragement, KC. I agree with your lifeboat game statement (although I don’t get the reference). What is the “lifeboat game?” I appreciate you taking the time to read my thoughts!
September 6, 2010 at 9:18 pm
from a woman’s perspective…
my husband and i have an agreement to not “flirt” publicly. we do, from time to time, let each other know that we love and appreciate each other publicly, but that’s it. i would MUCH rather my husband keep words like “hot” for when it’s just us. it bothers me to see men say those things on public forums. it means SO much more when my husband makes the effort to say it privately. i only want him to view me as “hot”, and i don’t really want other men thinking of me in those terms. so, i couldnt agree more. i think a simple change from “hot” to “beautiful” is much more classy and less sexually loaded.
September 6, 2010 at 9:28 pm
thanks for the female perspective on this, Sarah!
September 7, 2010 at 1:30 pm
I have to agree with Sarah. “Hot” should be saved for the privacy of your home. “Beautiful” means even more to a woman that “hot” – if the intention is to build your wife up and make her feel appreciated and loved and sought-after. I mean, I want to know that my husband thinks I’m hot from time to time, but I don’t want everyone of his friends to…make sense?
September 7, 2010 at 2:37 pm
And my wife pretty much echoed what Sarah and Aubstar said. I think Sarah is dead-on that the term “hot” is sexually loaded. You’re not describing your wife’s charm, wit, or kindness when you use the word “hot.”
Jerm, the “lifeboat game” was a reference to some of Donald Miller’s writing, though I doubt the analogy is his original thought either. But the basic idea is that we often live as if we are on a lifeboat with too many people, and we all have to justify our spot on the lifeboat, by being talented enough, or pretty enough, or smart enough, or athletic enough or whatever. And usually it has to be at the expense of someone else…and it’s an odd and frustrating way to live, and one that Jesus tried to get us to abandon.
November 9, 2010 at 6:06 pm
I have a different view although I respect where this is coming from & I’m not trying to force my belief, just sharing it.
With this line of thinking should I never mention a Guinness online b/c there are recovering alcoholics online? To be extreme, should I not mention a camping trip because something very bad may have happened to someone on a camping trip?
I dig the playful way this particular phrase is used. To me it reflects a healthy relationship where the “smokin hot one” is the wife he married–that’s fresh in our culture. I think it comes off as a pastor being normal and unchurched peeps get to see him as such.
If we try to curb every phrase that tends to point someone in a bad direction, we’ll…that would be a lot of phrases.
For what it’s worth, certain words or imagery can take my (lived a secular life for a lot of years) brain to bad places. But I feel the onus is on me to either corral it or remove myself from FB.
That’s said, I don’t/won’t put the “S.H.” in front of my wife’s name online. Cause it ain’t me & because I loves the Jermster!
Peace.
November 9, 2010 at 6:45 pm
Interesting alternate viewpoint, Morgan.
I’ll still contend that there may be something unhealthy about the motivation of someone who writes that way consistently. To use your analogy, I know that when I talk about Guinness online, it’s because I really want people to know that I enjoy Guinness and think it’s a great beer. So if I am constantly writing about my smokin’ hot wife, it would probably be because I want everyone to know that I think I have a smokin’ hot wife, and what exactly is that about? Is it a contest to see who can snag the hottest wife and I’m letting everyone else know that they lost?
I know Jerm’s original point had more to do with the bad direction that certain phrases like that can head us in, but I think there may be multiple reasons to keep one’s praise of one’s spouse a little classier in a public domain, and maybe a little “crassier” :>) behind closed doors!