Writing to you from the hospital

I thought that I had better write this down for everyone so I wouldn’t have to keep telling the story over and over. I’m in the hospital after quite an eventful evening.

At about 2am last night, I awoke to the sounds of a ravenous animal loose in the house. It was a very scary sound, like growling, but it sounded HUGE. It freaked me out and at first I wondered if I was dreaming it – as I was still in that “I just woke up in the middle of the night” fog. I looked over at Mandy and she was looking at me, too. She said, “Do you hear that?” I nodded.

I quickly got up and put my houseslippers on, and grabbed the only thing I could find to carry as protection – a Barbie guitar. By this time, I could hear this huge animal loose in the kitchen. I heard the trash can get knocked over. Then I heard pots and pans falling and crashing to the floor. I heard Zoe scream.

When I heard Zoe, I ran up the stairs as fast as I could and just when I reached the third step from the top, I froze. I was staring eye-to-eye with the biggest, meanest looking dog I have ever seen in my life. It was HUGE! It barked at me, and kept making that low growling, deranged noise I had heard earlier. This creature had hate in it’s eyes. Drool was dripping from its mouth. It had me locked in its gaze. I slowly shifted my weight and brought the Barbie guitar up to “attack stance”.

I don’t really remember what happened next. It was so fast. It lunged at me and bit into my leg. I started swinging the Barbie guitar wildly in between yelps from the pain of its huge teeth sinking into me. The girls are screaming. Mandy was on the stairs behind me and was trying to help get the animal off of me. It jumped on top of me and starting scratching and biting at me. This went on for quite a while.

Mandy says I eventually got a big strong downward thrust with the Barbie guitar and it landed square on the animal’s head, which caused the dog to yelp in pain and caused the guitar to start playing the Christina Aguilera song, “What A Girl Wants.” It must have been on just the right spot of the dog’s head because the only memory I have after that is seeing blurrly animal legs running out the back door. I fainted after that.

Mandy called 911 and the ambulance came and took me to the St. Joe ER. I was coming in and out of consciousness but I remember seeing Cameron Huffman and thinking, what the heck is he doing here? And then I remembered that he works here. Turns out I needed a lot of work done to my face, neck, arms and legs. I overheard one of the doctors tell Mandy that I had lost a lot of blood and was lucky to be alive.

I’m in a lot of pain now, but am going to be OK. The doctors say the scars will heal and that there was no permanent damage. Hopefully I can return to work in a couple of weeks.

Mandy told me that after the ambulance came and took me away, when she went to lock the back door, she saw the dog hanging around outside. It was the same dog, but it was no longer in that “red zone” attack mentality. It was calm and held its head low and had its tail down. It had a sign around its neck that said, “I so totally punked all of you. April Fools!”

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9 Comments on “Writing to you from the hospital”

  1. brent harshbarger Says:

    Check! Brent’s a fool.

  2. Aubri Says:

    I hate you!!!! I was all worried and I even called Mandy’s cell to check up on you…grrrr!

  3. jermtech Says:

    LOL! Sorry about that…but not really…hahaha.

  4. deb hearn Says:

    DUDE! You got me too!

  5. Jerry Renkenberger Says:

    I was about to jump in my car and head to the hospital to see you. Then I realized, anybody who would buy their daughters a Barbie guitar that would play a Christina Aguilera song deserves to be punished. Suffer.

  6. jermtech Says:

    haha Jerry. Unfortunately, that guitar is one of the few parts of that story that is TRUE.

  7. Brad Says:

    Dude, you got me: I was getting my jacket on to go see you by the time I got to the end of the post. You TOOL!

  8. Tony Says:

    I heard a dingo ate your baby…

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